rynne: (the tenth doctor)
[personal profile] rynne
Title: And Would Suffice
Author: Rynne
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: PG-13
Summary: The Doctor in Turn Left, and the choice he makes. Ten/Rose
Notes: Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] tsukara for looking it over. The title comes from Robert Frost's lovely poem Fire and Ice. Note that this is not a happy fic, and is rated for darkish themes.


The water is cold, and he can hear screaming.

He's numb, though. So very numb. Eleanor the secretary has long since run away, and he's glad. She's safe, even if her boss isn't, and now he doesn't have to worry about getting her out of here. He can stay, make sure the Racnoss are all taken care of.

The Thames rushes around him, but hasn't yet touched the fire in the background. He can feel the heat on his skin, a sharp contrast to the cold water raining around him. The river fills the hole in the center, and he closes his ears to the mother crying for her children.

He's so tired. He's just...so...tired.

But then her screams are cut off as the Empress teleports away, and he's left alone with the fire and the rain and the crashing of the river. Still he doesn't move. Instead, he sinks to his knees, clutching the railing and leaning his forehead against the cool metal. He closes his eyes, but is too tired to pretend that the moisture on his cheeks comes only from the water falling around him.

He thinks, as he's lately often thought, of what Rose would do if she were here, what she would say. How would she have reacted to what he's just done? Part of him thinks she would turn away in disgust, but most of him knows she wouldn't have. She never has. She just makes him take responsibility.

"What about you, Doctor? What the hell are you changing into?"

Oh, his Rose. She'd known the man he was and the man he wanted to be, and never let him deviate. And now she's gone, and he doesn't know how to be without her. The compass point whirls, no longer pointing true north.

His Rose would be so disappointed in him right now. First he drowns babies right in front of their mother, and now he can't even bring himself to stand up again, to walk the short distance to his TARDIS and get away from the water swiftly filling the room. She'd be horrified at what he's done, what he's doing.

But she's gone, and he's tired, and it's so hard to move. He lets out a short, choking breath, then breathes in the taste of water with his air. He thinks idly that if he doesn't get up and move soon, he's never going to do it again.

He's pretty sure he should be disturbed at finding that prospect attractive.

The water's almost reached his spot on the stairs, and he knows he has to make a decision soon. He's never drowned before, but he's pretty sure it wouldn't be a pleasant death, and he's usually weak enough after regenerating that he might not be up to fighting his way to the surface again. He'd probably just drown over and over again, unable to reach the surface no matter how hard he fights.

Ironically, that seems such an appropriate metaphor for his life right now. He lets out a brief, rusty chuckle, but one with no humor in it.

And what would it matter, if he just stayed here? The universe could get along without him, and probably better than before--too often he's brought suffering and death to those he only wanted to help, and dragged innocent bystanders along as well. How many people would live, if he weren't around to interfere?

And he will never see Rose again. If he heeds the water lapping at his feet, if he stands up and walks away, then all he has to look forward to is life without Rose. He'll never hear her laugh again, never see her smile, that wide, brilliant smile with her tongue occasionally poking through her teeth. He'll never again hear her say his name, or watch her sleepy blinking as she tries to stay awake and keep him company for as long as she can before she has to rest. He'll never be able to take her hand again, never feel the warm, solid weight of her in his arms, her own arms around him as they squeeze each other tight. And he'll never be able to tell her what he feels for her, never see the look of joy he just knows would have been on her face if he'd ever been able to tell her how much he loves her.

Then Time will do the inevitable, what even he cannot stop, and he'll begin to forget her. He's never forgotten anyone he's ever traveled with, never will, never could, but as years and decades and centuries pass, the details blur. How long before all the little things that make up Rose are beyond even his memory to recall? He can't bear the idea of losing even more of her than he already has.

If he leaves, he looks forward to a life filled with death, suffering, and no Rose at his side to ease the pain of things he couldn't save. But if he stays--oblivion. No more pain, ever again. He doesn't even have to regenerate, can stop the process from beginning and just prolonging things.

The water is up to his waist now, and it's cold. So cold. But that's all right. He's numb, barely able to focus on something so external, and he knows that it won't be long before he'll never feel cold again.

Date: 2008-06-23 03:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alexiscartwheel.livejournal.com
And now she's gone, and he doesn't know how to be without her. The compass point whirls, no longer pointing true north.

Oh poor, poor Ten! You've done a wonderful job representing his thoughts at such a low point. It's painful to read because he's obviously in such an awful state. It's a chilling alternative course; thank goodness he had Donna to pull him out of himself.

I also enjoy that Frost poem, and I think the title is very apt. Nice work!

Date: 2008-06-25 06:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rynne.livejournal.com
Thank you! I loved Donna before, but after watching Turn Left, I appreciate her role even more.

I love Robert Frost, and that poem is what inspired the fic, so I just had to use it somehow. I rather like the title myself. :)

Date: 2008-06-23 03:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] arabian.livejournal.com
This was so sad, so mournful and yet, considering the state the Doctor was in, even with Donna there, that's totally what happened. Totally why he didn't regenerate. He didn't want to, not without Rose.

Oh, this was so beautiful.

Date: 2008-06-25 06:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rynne.livejournal.com
Thank you!

Date: 2008-06-23 04:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] neko-chan42.livejournal.com
I'm in tears now, but this is wonderful! You know what the saddest part is? This is canon. I'm sure this is exactly the way it happened in Turn Left. *cries for Roseless, suicidal Doctor*

Date: 2008-06-25 06:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rynne.livejournal.com
Thank you! And yeah, that I'm pretty sure this is how it happened is the saddest thing. Even with how suicidal he was in Evolution of the Daleks, it never occurred to me he could be that badly off in The Runaway Bride. Thank God for Donna!

Date: 2008-06-23 04:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kitty-cate.livejournal.com
oh... oh my. this is... quite a bit disturbing, actually. i feel really bad for Ten, and can see him thinking this. i agree with [livejournal.com profile] alexiscartwheel, the title is quite fitting.
i feel so bad for him. *off to find fluff*

what's sad is that i still haven't seen TRB. it's impossible to find online! D: i should be seeing it soon though.

Date: 2008-06-25 06:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rynne.livejournal.com
Thank you! And yeah, it is a bit disturbing, but so are the implications in the episode that inspired this. Oh, Doctor. And I'm glad you liked the title!

Date: 2008-06-23 04:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wish-wielder.livejournal.com
...I should not have been reading this in the middle of a cracky icon battle, 'cause I kept mood-flipping from wanting to cry (from this) and laughing my head off (from the battle).

That being said, oh my Fod. This was a gorgeous bit of angst, and a lovely take at what was possibly going through Alterna!Ten's mind. Really, just lovely. <3 -mems-

Date: 2008-06-25 06:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rynne.livejournal.com
Thank you. :)

Date: 2008-06-23 04:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bell-jar-fics.livejournal.com
I'm agreeing with everyone else. The poor Doctor certainly was partially suicidal throughout season 3, wasn't he? Even demanding the Dalek to kill him in Evolution of the Daleks. (One more reason why I can't understand how some people can continue to deny that Rose and the Doctor were a hairsbreadth away from an 'official' couple: Without Rose around, the Doctor NEEDS someone to keep him from giving up on life.)

I swear, the next episode, and the long-awaited reunion between them, can't come fast enough. If humans had tails, mine would be wagging so fast in anticipation, you wouldn't be able to see it.

Date: 2008-06-23 04:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thette.livejournal.com
Exactly! Just the way he was suicidal in Rose. Season three broke my heart on the second viewing, because it all became so obvious. (The first time, I mostly watched for plot. The second time, I caught way more nuances.) I mean, he nearly died in The Runaway Bride (says canon, now, even if I didn't see it), in Smith and Jones, in the Dalek two-parter and in 42.

Great job, [livejournal.com profile] rynne!

Date: 2008-06-25 06:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rynne.livejournal.com
Yeah, I made the connection to Rose as well, since he was passively suicidal there as well. But the sad thing is that from Rose to The Unquiet Dead, he starts wanting to live again, while from The Runaway Bride to Evolution of the Daleks, he's still suicidal. I want him to have his Rose back so much!

Thank you!

Date: 2008-06-25 06:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rynne.livejournal.com
Oh, I completely agree. I've been eagerly anticipating the next episode--it's so not fair that we still have a few days to go! ;)

Date: 2008-06-23 05:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mylittlepwny.livejournal.com
But she's gone, and he's tired, and it's so hard to move.

You know what, this entire thing is completely heartbreaking and wonderful, but it's this one little line that really gets me.
Such a simple statement, summing up his entire reason for deciding to die.

I fangirl you so hardcore through my tears right now.

Date: 2008-06-25 06:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rynne.livejournal.com
Aww, thank you!

Date: 2008-06-23 06:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] neko-chan42.livejournal.com
Just came back again to re-read when I saw it posted in another community and I have to say again how much I love this, how it makes my heart ache, and how utterly bittersweetly canon it is.

Date: 2008-06-25 06:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rynne.livejournal.com
Thank you, again. :)

Date: 2008-06-23 12:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amaya7.livejournal.com
Really beautiful piece of writing. I felt my heartbreak when reading it.

Date: 2008-06-25 06:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rynne.livejournal.com
Thank you!

Date: 2008-06-23 01:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] margaretmoony.livejournal.com
Awesome job. Your Depressed!Doctor is very well done.

Date: 2008-06-25 06:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rynne.livejournal.com
Thank you! I'm glad you thought him done well. :)

Date: 2008-06-23 02:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thistlerose.livejournal.com
*sniffle* Oh, Doctor. Oh, Rose.

Date: 2008-06-25 06:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rynne.livejournal.com
I know! *pets them*

Date: 2008-06-23 02:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thunderemerald.livejournal.com
This is just absolutely gorgeous... the image of him drowning over and over again is absolutely painful... and... wah....

Date: 2008-06-25 06:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rynne.livejournal.com
Thank you! I'm glad you liked that image, since I did too. (Well, not precisely liked, but you know what I mean. :p)

Date: 2008-06-25 09:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thunderemerald.livejournal.com
I know what you mean. "Liked" as in how I "liked" the beach scene in Doomsday. With stabby knives and such.

Date: 2008-06-23 03:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] reetinkerbell.livejournal.com
This was just. Wow.

if he stands up and walks away, then all he has to look forward to is life without Rose. - I always imagined this is what he thought in 'the runnaway bride' and why it took someone to stop him.

This is wonderfully written. Thank you for sharing it.

Date: 2008-06-25 06:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rynne.livejournal.com
Thank you!

Date: 2008-06-23 05:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] the-lucky-stars.livejournal.com
This is so sad. Brilliant fic.

Date: 2008-06-25 06:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rynne.livejournal.com
Thanks!

Date: 2008-06-24 02:51 am (UTC)
ext_70648: Second Life Avatar (Default)
From: [identity profile] caterwolime.livejournal.com
Oh poor Doctor.

Heartbreaking and a wonderful insight into his pain.

Date: 2008-06-25 06:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rynne.livejournal.com
Poor Doctor indeed! Thank you. :)

Date: 2008-06-24 11:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] azriona.livejournal.com
*sniff* That was so utterly perfect for what the Doctor must have felt in those final moments...the hopelessness and despair and longing and loneliness. Poor man.

Date: 2008-06-25 06:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rynne.livejournal.com
Thank you!

Date: 2008-06-24 11:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bookowl.livejournal.com
Wowsa. I am absolutely flattened. There are so many beautiful lines in this -you've captured Ten's despair and emptyness incredibly poignantly. One line in particular stood out -

And now she's gone, and he doesn't know how to be without her. The compass point whirls, no longer pointing true north.

Absolutely amazing.

Date: 2008-06-25 06:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rynne.livejournal.com
Thank you. :)

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